Putting the Sex Back in Neverland
by Fiery Wordess
Summary: Hehe, does the title not speak for itself?
1. Default Chapter

**Putting the Sex Back in Neverland **

_And it's the Honest-Truth, mateys!_

"Now," Carly insisted.

"Sh! The creative juices are bubbling!" Kate put her fingers to her temples.

"Come on, eh?" Carly moaned.

"I've got it!" An evil gleam came over Kate's face.

"Crickey! Took your time!"

"Yes… well… Once upon a time there was a fierce pirate,"

"Ooh! I love pirate stories!" Carly interrupted.

"Carly!" Kate cried indignantly. "Every night you beg for a story and you riddle it with random comments! I can't work like this!"

"Yes you can, you always have and always will."

Kate grumbled something obscene but returned to her tale. "The fierce pirate had a hook in place of his left hand. He was known as Pirate Jim."

"Pirate Jim?" Carly laughed. "What an awful name for a pirate!"

"Well, that was before he became the sexy Captain Hook." Kate wiggled her eyebrows knowingly.

"Imagine trying to get it on with a man with a hook for a hand," Carly stuck her tongue out in disgust. "Though getting it on with anyone would be disgusting. Except for…" she sighed, "Ron Weasley or Peter Pan."

"You," Kate started, "are incredibly weird. Now back to the story. Pirate Jim fought his way to the top through lying, cheating and an impressive repertoire of thievery. His ship was the most luxurious ship in the entire world!" Kate spread her arms wide to demonstrate her point.

"Wow," Carly grinned. "What about his crew, mate?"

"I was just getting there," Kate glared. "His crew was as fierce as a crew could be, but also just as stupid as your common illiterate scum-bunny from Tennessee."

"Hey, what's your beef with Tennessee?" Carly asked.

"I don't have a beef with Tennessee." Kate said.

"Then why did you say 'common illiterate scum-bunny from Tennessee?'"

"I don't know. It just sounded right."

"Well, change it." Carly said.

"Fine. His crew was as fierce as a crew could be, but also just as stupid as your common illiterate scum-bunny. Period."

"That's better," Carly leaned back against her cot.

"CARLY! KATHLEEN!" A shrill voice echoed to their room. The girls jumped up in terror. This was the fifth time that week that they had been late for dinner. They scrambled from the room and nearly tumbled down the stairs. Kate crashed into Carly at the bottom who in turn ran straight into fat old Miss Gertrude, toppling her over.

"Oh great," they groaned together.

Miss Gertrude lay growling on the floor underneath Carly. Carly rolled off of her. Kate yanked Carly to her feet, leaving Miss Gertrude to push herself up. Clutching one another, they prepared themselves for the onslaught from hell. They were not disappointed.

Miss Gertrude drew herself to her full height and towered over them (she was at least six feet tall.) Face redder than Santa's pants and her nostrils as wide as saucers, she opened her mouth to shout at them. Kate and Carly squinted in preparation (Miss Gertrude tended to spit when she yelled.)

"ALWAYS late for EVERYTHING! It's as though you two are LOST IN some NEVERLAND! I DEMAND you stop your FOOLERY at ONCE! And WHAT ridiculous COSTUMES are you WEARING?! This is NO WAY for young ladies to be ACTING!"

"I'm a pirate," Kate said, brandishing her toy sword. "Argh!"

Miss Gertrude threw her hands up in despair. Girls from the mess hall were poking their heads cautiously around the wall to get a good look at what was going on. It was always good fun to see Kate and Carly getting in trouble, which happened often.

"I can't bear the sight of you! Off to bed! Go!"

Carly and Kate wasted no time running up the stairs. At the top they spun on their heels and ran for their bedroom. Cautiously, they closed the door.

"I hate this place," Carly moaned.

Kate nodded her agreement.

The two girls went to bed obediently, knowing that Miss Gertrude would soon be up to make sure they weren't fooling around. Kate shifted her eye patch to the top of her head and closed her eyes. For a sixteen-year-old, she could certainly act like a ten-year-old. Carly was fifteen and had come to the orphanage four years ago when her parents had died. She found Kate's boundless energy uplifting and had fit right in with her roommate. The other girls in the orphanage had once been smitten with Kate's story-telling and role playing, but were soon taken with boys and other such nonsense. The younger girls still came to Kate's room from time to time, but only Carly was by Kate's side at all times.

Before they drifted off to sleep, a faint breeze crept over the room. They assumed that Miss Gertrude was looking in on them, so Carly began "snoring." Kate felt a shadow over her face, but the shadow left and hovered over Carly.

"Which one is it, Tink?"

There was a jingling noise.

"But they're both really pretty,"

Carly shifted around under the covers, wondering if she was dreaming. Kate sat up and brought out her cheep plastic sword. She brought her feet out of the bed and paced cautiously over to the boy. He was a tall boy and by his head was a glittering fairy zinging about excitedly. She pushed the sword right close to him and said:

"Aha! I have you now, scurvy cur!"

The boy, rather than turning around, shot into the air and clung to the ceiling.

Carly fell out of bed in surprise.

"Who- who are you?" Kate asked, lowering her sword in amazement. The adolescent boy put his hands on his hips.

"Peter Pan,"

Carly and Kate stared in wonderment at him.

"How'd you get in?" Carly asked.

"Through the window, of course!"

"See? I told you it was a good idea to leave it open!" Kate laughed happily.

"But… you're… about… our ages!" Carly cried.

"I came to listen to your stories so much that I got a little older," he said, landing silently on the floor. "I especially like the ones about me."

"You arrogant little twerp!" Carly ejaculated.

Kate laughed. "Will you take us to Neverland?"

Peter grinned. "Only if you swear to never grow up!"

"I solemnly swear I will never grow up!" Carly and Kate chimed. Kate saluted Pan with her sword, which suddenly became real as corn. It was hefty, but Kate knew she could hold it. Her clothes became torn and tattered just like she wanted. She felt like a _real _Lost Girl. Carly was still in her jim-jams but grinned excitedly none-the-less. Peter beamed at them. Footsteps could be heard in the hallway.

"What's all this noise?" Miss Gertrude's shrill voice penetrated the door.

Peter Pan grabbed onto Tinker Bell, sprayed them both quickly with golden fairy dust and cried "Think a happy thought!"

"Like that's hard," Carly muttered sarcastically and shot into the air.

(So? Is it good? Is it worth continuing? Eh? Oh yes, this will get mighty fine later on my chaps. Whether or not it burns and crashes, my friend Carly and I enjoy the mere idea of this.)


	2. Arrogant Little Turds

**_"They seem to walk on _**_air_

**_And they act real strange…."_******

The city of Elmira looked a lot smaller and picturesque from so high in the sky. Miss Gertrude's big, beefy face was quite a sight from outside. Kate saluted the shocked orphanage coordinator with her sword. The ogre-like woman's eyes rolled up into her head and she collapsed in shock. _That _probably shook the entire orphanage. Kate grinned mischievously at Carly who was laughing so hard that she was crying. The wind flew through the girls' hair and their eyes blurred with tears by way of the cool air. Tinker Bell and Peter Pan led the way, but Carly and Kate didn't need directions; their hearts knew the way.

"Woo!" Kate laughed as they emerged into space. Galaxies and planets surrounded them in a cold and exhilarating dark. Kate's eye patch flew off and floated away.

_Poo,_ she thought.

Peter reached back and grabbed their hands.

"Hold on!" He cried, and they flew much faster. Stars flashed by them in veritable smudges. Carly marveled at the fact that she was holding Peter Pan's hand. Her fingers tingled happily. Kate just held onto her sword with her left hand tightly, not wanting to lose that too. Her knuckles were beginning to freeze up. Just as she thought she was getting too cold to tolerate, they burst through the atmosphere of Neverland, bunches of clouds surrounding them like so much cotton. A rush of blood to the head knocked them silly, but they remained in the air none-the-less. Peter soared away from them, tumbling in somersaults through the air, crowing madly. Below the blue waters sparkled, giving way to dolphins and pirate ships and a heavily forested island. Off the coast was a smaller island that was highly built up and populated. Carly chose to look down at that moment.

_Blimey! How high up am I? _Fear!

"AH!" She began to fall. She shrieked like a banshee on crack.

"NO!" Kate's heart stopped.

Peter turned around and chased Carly through the clouds.

"I'M GOING TO DIE!" She wailed, flailing about madly. Her eyes scrunched up against the fear. They re-opened and bulged out, nearly popping. Her mouth was in a huge "O" of terror. "WHY?!" Her body landed hard in Peter's arms.

"Keep your happy thoughts!" Peter whispered into her ear.

_That _made her happy.

Meanwhile, Kate was much further down, searching wildly for her friend as she plummeted like a rock through the skies. She tossed her head back in despair. She'd lost her only friend…. Hey! There was Carly! In Peter's arms!

"Oh, she's okay!" Her heart leapt. Five feet away from the ground, she began to fly again. Hovering in the air, she looked down at the dirt below. "Whoa, that was close." She tilted her body properly and landed softly on the ground. Her bare feet stood on tip-toe on the packed dirt. "Yo! Carl! Down here!" She jumped up and down to get Carly's attention. Peter looked down and grinned broadly. Tinker Bell whizzed quickly by him, still peeved that he'd grab onto her like he did.

"Hey Tink," Kate grinned at the fairy. Tinker Bell looked at her skeptically. Only Peter ever called her "Tink" so where did this creep get the nerve to do the same? "Oh come on, you know you like me." Kate winked at her.

Carly and Peter landed next to her moments later.

"Way to give me a heart-attack, wench." Kate slapped Carly playfully across the shoulder.

"I hate heights." Carly said bluntly.

"You're afraid of everything." Kate growled. She looked to Peter, who stood a head above her, grinning down at both of them. Muscles bulged in his arms tantalizingly, not that Carly or Kate was paying attention or anything. "This is mighty exciting." They paused to smell the sea and listen to the birds and animals of the woods. Peter had seen it all before and was impatient to bring back his find to the Lost Boys.

"You have to meet the Lost Boys." Pan grabbed Kate's arm. "Come on."

They ran pell-mell through the forest until they reached a clearing that was full of an elaborately built settlement. Wooden ramps led up to nest-like structures and multiple watch-towers that stood above the rest like haughty giants. The sunlight made the shadows dance as though they had their own bodily organs. Carly came into the clearing a few moments later, staring at Peter in awe.

Peter cupped his mouth and shouted as loudly as he could. "LOST BOYS! Everybody up! You have to meet… Carl and Kay."

"Hey, we have nicknames now!" Carly said excitedly.

"We invented those, fool." Kate muttered.

There was a response of hoots and ululating. Vines creaked in the trees and suddenly about twenty boys of varying ages swung into the clearing, squawking eagerly. They landed on the ground in a clumsy heap and ran up towards Peter, Carly and Kate. They were all rugged boys wearing strange mismatched garments and dirty faces. Hair that had never been brushed, hands that had never been washed and nails that were bitten rather than clipped made absolutely no impact on Kate but revolted Carly.

"Ew," she mumbled. "If they touch me, I'll punch their lights out."

"Are they our new mothers?" A younger boy asked eagerly, a glint in his eyes.

"No way!" Carly and Kate chimed, looks of disgust crossing their faces.

Everyone became silent. Only the sound of Tinker Bell's ringing could be heard. Twenty pairs of eyes stared in wonder at Kate and Carly.

"But- then- what are you doing here?" An older boy frowned.

"We're here to never grow up, morons." Kate said. "We're the Lost Girls."

There was silence in which all of the Lost Boys looked at one another, and then a great shout of laughter. All the boys fell over laughing and crying, holding their sides. Kate pulled out her sword furiously and Carly put up her fists.

"What's so funny?" Carly growled. "Eh?"

Peter, finally getting a grip on himself, turned his hazel eyes on them. "The Lost Girls are women who kiss pirates for money."

"They're prostitutes?" Kate spat in disgust. "Gross."

"What?! We aren't using that bloody name again!" Carly looked sick.

"Anyway," another Lost Boy got a hold of himself, "no girls are allowed here, 'cause we're the Lost _Boys._"

Kate and Carly allowed their mouths to drop.

"Wait! Kay tells stories!" Peter said, realizing that the Lost Boys didn't want normal girls around.

"Yeah? And what about 'er?" A taller boy asked, pointing to Carly. "We don't want no girlies around."

"I'll punch you for that, you prick!" Carly lunged forward, stopped only when Kate grabbed her shirt and yanked her back.

"We're tougher than half of you gutless sons of pigs!" Kate growled, squeezing her sword more tightly still. "We'll show you!"

"Yeah!" Carly crossed her arms.

The Lost Boys were silent. Then the smallest of them all shouted "KILL 'EM!"

"Uh oh,"

Carly and Kate were forced to flee, running through the trees for their lives.

"Got a happy thought?" Kate panted. A war-cry sounded from not so far behind them.

"Um, no."

"Think!"

"_You're _the creative one!"

"Fine! Peter Pan kissing you!"

"He's a dirt bag! Did he even defend us back there? No!"

"Us defeating the Lost Boys!"

"Righto." They shot up into the skies. "Nana-nana booboo! Whoa!"

An arrow shot right by Carly's out-stretched tongue.

"Take cover!"

"Where?"

"There!"

"Where's there?"

Kate didn't answer, diving quickly for a small island offshoot, grabbing Carly's shirt and yanking her after her. When the sounds of the Lost Boys were far behind them, they still didn't stop running. Finally, they reached a small set of caves and dove in. Both girls lay there gasping for air in the darkness.

"I'd fancy a bit of food right now, wouldn't you?" Carly breathed.

"Do you smell bread?"

"I thought I was imagining it."

"_Aber nein,_" Kate stood on wobbly legs and felt around in the darkness. She knocked something over with her outstretched fingers and caught it deftly before it hit the ground. "An oil lamp." She turned the knob on the side and a purple light flared up.

"Wow," Carly and she gasped. The cavern sparkled with the small lamp's flame. Two hammocks hung from the ceiling and a bunk-bed was built into the wall. On the ceiling was a painted map of Neverland and by the wall were stores of primitive paintbrushes and paint. Books lined shelves, bound in leaves and skins of animals. Baskets full of weapons and costumes were spread throughout the cave. Jewelry and stolen treasure littered the floor and furniture. In the center of the room was a table covered with delicious breads, salads, vegetables, deserts and tantalizing meats.

"Oh man," Carly moaned. "I so wish I weren't a vegetarian right now."

Kate blinked. "Those aren't real meats."

"What do you mean?"

"This is never-food, meaning that those are soy meats because that's how you imagined them."

"You think?" Carly licked her lips eagerly.

"I do indeed."

"_Bon appetit,_ eh?"

They threw themselves into the chairs and ate away without giving their feast a second thought. It was half an hour later that they were content and the food seemed to have all been eaten, though they were quite confident they hadn't eaten all that had been there.

"I'm freaking exhausted."

"Me too, let's go to bed."

"Gah!" Carly's eyes grew wide. "We forgot to brush our teeth!"

"Do we have toothpaste anywhere?" Kate cried fervently.

Carly opened drawers and dug through, finding pens and pencils and….

"Yup. Here's two toothbrushes too."

"Ooh baby-cakes. Life is good."

The two girls curled up happily in their hammocks and fell into a peaceful sleep.

(Yay! Next chapter: **WAR!** Or **Bring it On you Weenies!** Whichever winds up appealing to my feminine side.)


End file.
